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I was having coffee with a woman I'd met online when she beaned me with a non sequitur:. Then it happened again: On another first date I got hit with the same question. This time I couldn't shrug it off.

Hmm … had a secret "sex gap" opened between boomer men and women when I wasn't looking? The better question to ask a date: Is sex still an important part of a relationship for you?

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Now, with casal painful divorce behind me, I'd been thinking about sex a fair bit — OK, a lot — but hadn't met anyone special yet. And that was key, because I was determined not to revert to old dating patterns think California circa that centered on casual sex. Instead, I wanted to fall in love first.

Did that make me not still "sexual"? Forging an emotional connection as a prelude to sex, I quickly discovered, is a truth not yet universally acknowledged.

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An emotional bond enhances both partners' sense of safety, confidence and desirability. Midlife sex with a stranger, by contrast, seems more like masturbating.

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Where's the love in that? I finally did meet a woman with relationship potential.

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Before she could ask me the Dreaded Question, I hastened to mention that I was still sexual but wanted to establish an emotional connection first. She smiled in agreement.

Our previous relationships had taught us that becoming sexual too quickly was usually a mistake. Now we were both looking for something enduring — and we knew that couldn't watns overnight.

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